Mi Sei Mancata

Airports have always been a place that I feel comfortable. It’s just full of people and energy and movement.  It’s always busy.  People are coming and going; some running, some half asleep and barely walking.  It’s like it’s so chaotic that it’s intimate.  If it wasn’t so busy, more people would notice the other people.  But they rarely do in airports.  Everyone has somewhere to be by a certain time and the chaos provides an amazing mask over the intimacy that occurs at every airport.  If you ever want to witness a real hug, go to an airport.  I doubt there are very many other places whom’s walls have witnessed much more pure showings of love and reunions; goodbyes and don’t go’s; endings and beginnings.

When I used to get really homesick back when I first moved to Florida, I would drive from the beach all the way to the airport.  I’d pick a spot depending on my mood.  Downstairs in the baggage claim or upstairs at the security check point, and set up to people watch.  I guess it was kind of weird, but oh well.  I liked the pure signs of emotion people display there.  Mostly, I liked the reunions. The embraces that followed the lighting up of each party’s face when they saw each other for the first time.  I loved hearing the “I missed you”‘s and watching the guy swing the girl around in his arms.

One day I was sitting in one of the rocking chairs by the security gate, when an old lady sat next to me.  She asked me who I was waiting for and I told her no one, just liked watching people come back together.  She told me she was waiting on her husband who had been gone for a week to go on a trip she couldn’t go on.  The woman told me that they had been married 43 years and that this was their first separation for an entire week.  In slight disbelief I inquired if she meant since they were younger.  She quickly replied that she meant since the night they were married.  She added in that they had not gotten married to spend nights alone and that they had agreed not to do that throughout their life together.  She told me that she had never missed someone so much.  She added in that my generation has gotten very accustomed to missing people who we supposedly love and it was a foolish trait; that you should only miss people when there is nothing you can do about being without them, like in death.  She told me we had it all wrong, that we miss the people we’ve left, instead of just staying with them.  When her husband came through the gate he exclaimed “Mi sei mancata!” very loudly and again and again and again.  It’s Italian for I missed you, which I knew from my family.  They had one of the most genuine hugs I am sure that I will ever see and probably that those airport walls had ever seen.  They walked away together with her arm around his waist and his over her shoulders, totally defying their old age by replacing it with their youthful love.

Lately this whole exchange has been flashing in my mind.  I’d like to say I’m not sure why, but I know.  For some reason in the last few months, I’ve gotten contacted by a lot of my x-boyfriends.  Some of them texts, a few emails, a couple drunk dial calls, and a few sober ones too.  I’m not sure what alert went out to all of them that made them decide to all try the “see how you’re doing” convo or whatever, but the attempts have been fairly close together, so maybe it’s the way the planets are aligned or something.  All of the relationships ended in different ways, and I used to just think that I needed to take more responsibility for their endings, because I have repeatedly looked back and been like.. wow.. I did nothing wrong.  But breakups and ghostings kept happening and I started to think that maybe it was something I was doing wrong.  Some of the guys that have contacted me lately were quick little short stories, some longer chapters, and two of them I thought I loved.  All contact came out of no where, at different times, in different forms.  They all had one thing in common though. At some point in the conversation, they told me they missed me.  Some of them made me want to laugh, a few made me want to cry, and for a couple there was no reaction.  After the third conversation with an x and the same line being repeated, I decided to try and figure out how I felt. After the basic “yeah of course you miss me, I’m the shit, I told you you’d miss me” attitude wore off, I was left with a more realistic 28 year old reaction.. When do I get the one guy who doesn’t leave?  I am currently not dead, and although I may have wished it upon a few of the guys who reached out, here they are, still alive!  So.. why now do they miss me?  Is it because they’re lonely? Did I post a super fierce selfie or something? Just.. why now? For some, years later and for others, months later.  I became angry almost when I was woken up at 230am by another x the next week and then when a text from an x came through a few days later.  Why are they missing me I kept thinking in my head and I was getting angry.  I wanted to ask all of them, so I did.  The responses didn’t satisfy or put out the pissed-offness that was gently yanking on my insides.  They all told me similar things, none of it helped.  Then I realized it’s because I wasn’t asking the right question.  I didn’t want to know why they missed me all of a sudden, honestly I could careless, I had moved on.  What I guess I wanted to know was why did they ever leave in the first place.  A question which I refused to ask any of them because I don’t think I’m ready for those answers yet.  I’ve fielded one or two since the big epiphany, luckily one was a text and one was an email.  Both I just responded with mi hai lasciato.

Bringin’ It Back

So, I have a huge confession.  After I moved to Asheville, I started a tinder.  I wasnt meeting any guys before that because I think I’m too old to be trolling the bars for dudes and how else do you actually meet people these days!?

Well, I have reconfirmed what I already knew about tinder- it just isn’t for me. I just cannot do it. I have decided to delete my account and here are the reasons why:

  1. I automatically think you’re talking to other girls. It’s like even if you’re on tinder for good intentions.. which I don’t think you really can be, it’s not for friends, you literally swipe yes or no to if you would sleep with someone.. I will probably just assume that every time you are on your phone, it’s with another tinder chick.  Maybe that’s just me and I’m crazy, but it is what it is.  It puts a strong level of distrust on anything from the jump. On both sides. Even if you don’t want to admit it, if you have ever gotten semi-serious with someone from tinder, in the back of your mind you are wondering how many other semi-serious partners there are or have been or will be.  It’s natural. And that little voice in the back of your head builds a little wall, and that little wall turns into a blockade from fully trusting their intentions for you.  Which leads to this whole “are they a good person” vs “are they a shady person” thing and that just kills it.
  2. I’m not trying to hook up with you. But meeting someone from tinder has this amazing way of putting this invisible expectation on it that it’s supposed to end in sex.  And lets face it, we’re all on tinder because we’re kinda lonely. Then you usually meet people out at a social event or bar.  Social events and bars have alcohol.  Alcohol + people who know they are attracted to each other + people who are kinda lonely = a drunken hookup.  It’s simple math.  Simple math that just isn’t me.  It’s really not, and I kinda hate the one time I allowed this to go down.  Even though the guy is- well I think is- a nice, decent, attractive, respectful, small town dude.  I just hate knowing I let a complete stranger get to know such an intimate piece of me before anything else.  It’s just that, unlike many others in my age range, my number is very low and now I feel like I wasted a valuable slot to someone who may or may not decide to actually ever be valuable enough to my life to actually deserve that spot. Kinda let myself down more than anything.
  3. I don’t know what to say when people ask how we met.  Guess what, even if it does work out, I’ll have to say we met on tinder.  Everything about that statement makes my stomach turn.  Maybe because it’s not my style. Mostly because tinder is a disgusting hookup app and I’d be embarrassed to tell my family and friends that I was even on it, let alone actually meeting strangers off of it.
  4. I really find it kind of hard to be nice to anyone who has physically judged me. Which is hypocritical because I was also obviously physically judging people.  This alone hurts my soul because it’s so not me.  Now, I’m not saying that I’m like some saint who dates people I’m not attracted to if they have a good personalty, blah blah blah.  I do only date people that I am physically attracted to in person, we all do.  Tinder is different though.  I do not line up an age range of men and then approve of some and discard the rest like they’re nothing, in person.  What I think people are forgetting is that is essentially what a left swipe is, just discarding a person based on physical appearance and knowing nothing about them.  I hate judging. I hate being judged. I hate deciding on someone’s worth based on a few pictures and a few funny taglines to describe them and their interests.  It just isn’t me.
  5. I really suck at receiving compliments.  Now this was originally an argument that my friends used to convince me to get tinder.  They said it’d help me realize how beautiful I am and how many guys really think that.  Apparently I am kind of oblivious to my own level of attractiveness and it surprises a lot of people I know and meet.  Which, honestly, I really don’t think I’m attractive.  I feel like a big, goofy, awkward tomboy about 90% of the time.  Blame it growing up with all guys and them trying to keep my ego small or something.  So when the initial conversation on tinder starts with a guy telling me I’m hot or some other physical thing, I automatically get awkward and kind of roll my eyes and never respond.
  6. I want to go on a real date, where the guy picks me up at my house.  But umm… I’m not going to tell you where I live before I ever meet you in person, I really like being alive and un-murdered.  So this just automatically kills one of the things I know I need from a potential boyfriend because I am traditional. I want you to plan a date, knock on my door, wait like 5 minutes awkwardly inside as I look for my misplaced keys and phone, then we leave to go where ever you have planned out, and I judge you from you opening the car door for me or not.  Then, after the date, you drop me off and either do or don’t try for an awkward first kiss on the porch.  Sorry, I really do not believe chivalry is dead, I just think tinder is kidnapping, gagging, and tying it up in its’ basement.  Guess I really am an 80s baby: traditional and a slight romantic.. Sweet.
  7. I want a guy to approach me in person.  Messaging someone is easy. It takes no effort and if they don’t respond? Who cares.  I want the guy to have to build up enough courage, make an effort to walk over to me, and start a conversation.  The whole copy and paste the same cheesy pick-up line to a million girls just isn’t my thing.  Risk rejection in person.  You don’t get a bio about me to use as a conversation starter.  Walk up to me, stick out your hand, introduce yourself. Then we go from there.  Ask me how old I am, what I do for fun, if I have pets. Don’t read it and then use it as a conversation starter.
  8. I kind of hate smart phones and the way almost everyone I know is addicted to theirs.  I want my friends and guy I’m dating to be present.  I am tired of going out to the bar and seeing everyone constantly on their phones.  I want to start enjoying the time I have here and now with the people I choose to surround myself with.  Yes, snaps and posts will happen, but I’m almost kind of sick of that too. I just want to have real conversations with real people who are present where they are. It’s pretty simple.

So, tinder it’s been real. It’s been fun. But it hasn’t been real fun.  If you need me, I’ll be out with my friends waiting for my real life match because he’ll be approaching me in person.