Mi Sei Mancata

Airports have always been a place that I feel comfortable. It’s just full of people and energy and movement.  It’s always busy.  People are coming and going; some running, some half asleep and barely walking.  It’s like it’s so chaotic that it’s intimate.  If it wasn’t so busy, more people would notice the other people.  But they rarely do in airports.  Everyone has somewhere to be by a certain time and the chaos provides an amazing mask over the intimacy that occurs at every airport.  If you ever want to witness a real hug, go to an airport.  I doubt there are very many other places whom’s walls have witnessed much more pure showings of love and reunions; goodbyes and don’t go’s; endings and beginnings.

When I used to get really homesick back when I first moved to Florida, I would drive from the beach all the way to the airport.  I’d pick a spot depending on my mood.  Downstairs in the baggage claim or upstairs at the security check point, and set up to people watch.  I guess it was kind of weird, but oh well.  I liked the pure signs of emotion people display there.  Mostly, I liked the reunions. The embraces that followed the lighting up of each party’s face when they saw each other for the first time.  I loved hearing the “I missed you”‘s and watching the guy swing the girl around in his arms.

One day I was sitting in one of the rocking chairs by the security gate, when an old lady sat next to me.  She asked me who I was waiting for and I told her no one, just liked watching people come back together.  She told me she was waiting on her husband who had been gone for a week to go on a trip she couldn’t go on.  The woman told me that they had been married 43 years and that this was their first separation for an entire week.  In slight disbelief I inquired if she meant since they were younger.  She quickly replied that she meant since the night they were married.  She added in that they had not gotten married to spend nights alone and that they had agreed not to do that throughout their life together.  She told me that she had never missed someone so much.  She added in that my generation has gotten very accustomed to missing people who we supposedly love and it was a foolish trait; that you should only miss people when there is nothing you can do about being without them, like in death.  She told me we had it all wrong, that we miss the people we’ve left, instead of just staying with them.  When her husband came through the gate he exclaimed “Mi sei mancata!” very loudly and again and again and again.  It’s Italian for I missed you, which I knew from my family.  They had one of the most genuine hugs I am sure that I will ever see and probably that those airport walls had ever seen.  They walked away together with her arm around his waist and his over her shoulders, totally defying their old age by replacing it with their youthful love.

Lately this whole exchange has been flashing in my mind.  I’d like to say I’m not sure why, but I know.  For some reason in the last few months, I’ve gotten contacted by a lot of my x-boyfriends.  Some of them texts, a few emails, a couple drunk dial calls, and a few sober ones too.  I’m not sure what alert went out to all of them that made them decide to all try the “see how you’re doing” convo or whatever, but the attempts have been fairly close together, so maybe it’s the way the planets are aligned or something.  All of the relationships ended in different ways, and I used to just think that I needed to take more responsibility for their endings, because I have repeatedly looked back and been like.. wow.. I did nothing wrong.  But breakups and ghostings kept happening and I started to think that maybe it was something I was doing wrong.  Some of the guys that have contacted me lately were quick little short stories, some longer chapters, and two of them I thought I loved.  All contact came out of no where, at different times, in different forms.  They all had one thing in common though. At some point in the conversation, they told me they missed me.  Some of them made me want to laugh, a few made me want to cry, and for a couple there was no reaction.  After the third conversation with an x and the same line being repeated, I decided to try and figure out how I felt. After the basic “yeah of course you miss me, I’m the shit, I told you you’d miss me” attitude wore off, I was left with a more realistic 28 year old reaction.. When do I get the one guy who doesn’t leave?  I am currently not dead, and although I may have wished it upon a few of the guys who reached out, here they are, still alive!  So.. why now do they miss me?  Is it because they’re lonely? Did I post a super fierce selfie or something? Just.. why now? For some, years later and for others, months later.  I became angry almost when I was woken up at 230am by another x the next week and then when a text from an x came through a few days later.  Why are they missing me I kept thinking in my head and I was getting angry.  I wanted to ask all of them, so I did.  The responses didn’t satisfy or put out the pissed-offness that was gently yanking on my insides.  They all told me similar things, none of it helped.  Then I realized it’s because I wasn’t asking the right question.  I didn’t want to know why they missed me all of a sudden, honestly I could careless, I had moved on.  What I guess I wanted to know was why did they ever leave in the first place.  A question which I refused to ask any of them because I don’t think I’m ready for those answers yet.  I’ve fielded one or two since the big epiphany, luckily one was a text and one was an email.  Both I just responded with mi hai lasciato.

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Refreshed

So, Nick texted me. After literally almost 3 months of silence through multiple attempts of communication and unanswered emails, he texted me. I looked down at my phone screen after hearing my text alert, I was driving, and almost crashed into on coming traffic.  I told myself that I was just imagining the picture of us with his name under it on the screen.  That my mind was just playing tricks on me and it wasn’t really there. It was a different Nick and my heart switched out the picture, like a cruel joke on myself. I pulled my car over to the shoulder of the intracoastal bridge that I was crossing and took a deep breath.  I don’t do it very often lately, but I looked up and asked God to please not be playing some kind of joke on me.

I unlocked my smart phone’s screen and there it still was: my favorite picture of us together, his name, and the alert that there was a new text message. I swallowed down all the nerves and questions and the strange feeling that I still can’t even seem to find the right words to describe what it was. I took a deep breath and opened it.

We texted for the remainder of that Saturday. I worked in the middle at Green Room, and to my surprise the texts lasted until after the bar had closed and I was back at home. I do not know if he was on or off his boat while all these were happening; I didn’t have the courage to ask to be honest.  The conversation wasn’t a good one, but it wasn’t really a bad one either.  It wasn’t about getting back together. It wasn’t about missing each other. There are a million questions I wish I would’ve asked, but didn’t because I held back.  I was too surprised that he even contacted me that I treated the situation so delicately that I think it has made everything worse.

See, the texts started that day and ended that night.  There hasn’t been any return of conversation.  I can’t really say that I am surprised. I can really say that I am extremely confused. Actually, I can’t.  I still feel like I know Nick so well; I do know him so well.  I am grateful for the texts that I got.  He contacted me. Out of nowhere. And yes, at first it was to sort of yell at me for some instagram stupid stuff.  But you know what that means? That he still looks at my instagram. You know what else it means? That he is beginning to get over his pride a little bit and after he texts me instead of just deleting it, he actually sent one. You know what else it means? That he still cares about me enough to, although it was through harsh words, watch out for my well-being and somewhere inside him is still the urge to try and protect me.

Nick is the type of guy to wipe someone completely out when he’s decided to be finished. I think he may be one of the most cold hearted guys there is; except I never witnessed that side.  I got a guy who hid notes and bible verses around our house, who had breakfast delivered on my birthday when he was out of town, who wrote me poetry, and who showed me glimpses of his heart.  I’ve often questioned these glimpses since the split. That maybe those were just the fake pieces of Nick, that maybe they were just the times he was acting how he thought he should, but that they didn’t come from the heart.  That he was trying to be what I wanted, but that after we stopped talking, he was being who he truly was: a cold-hearted, womanizing, bed-hopping barfly. This view was the one everyone has been trying to push on me to believe.  That I had idolized him in my head into a person greater than the real Nick is.

Nope. HA. Everyone was wrong. See, if Nick would’ve never texted me, I would’ve finally agreed with everyone. I was just giving into it all. The hope was gone. I was thinking about dating this guy who had been displaying interest and is pretty attractive. I was about to just throw all my feelings away and write it off as my heart just being stupid. I was going to cover him up with someone else and drinks and bars and parties.  It’s like Nick has this direct line to my heart and my soul because there has only been three times in my entire knowing him that I was at my wit’s end.  That I needed something, anything, from him to stop me from turning around, closing the door, and never looking back. Three times I have prayed to God so desperately asking for a sign or a clue to which direction I am supposed to go in with Nick.  Each time, He’s provided one. I don’t care if you believe in God, or the Universe, or Karma, or whatever.  But I do know that every single person believes in love. If you want to admit it or not, you do.

That morning I had poured my heart out. Telling Him I couldn’t do it anymore. Explaining that it had been nothing but silence from Nick and I couldn’t hold on anymore.

Then I got the text messages. And everything didn’t get answered or really even addressed. But I know Nick. If he still didn’t love and care for me, that picture of us with a new text alert wouldn’t have been on my phone. It’s all going to be ok. I knew it would be. I will take this sign and continue how I was thinking before I started letting everyone else change my actions. I love him, I promised him my life, and I think that one day it’ll all work out.  I am not dating anyone else for a year, so maybe by April there will be another break-through or two with us.  Maybe there won’t be. For now, I am extremely grateful that I got the sign that I did. And just because it wasn’t some huge get back together text conversation or even a visit, I’m ok with that. Because I know Nick, and if he didn’t give a fuck, he wouldn’t give a fuck. There would have continued to be no communication.

I am refreshed in my hope for us and faith in us.  Understand it or don’t. I could careless about any of the other opinions.

Love is patient.

Love Does or Doesn’t It?

Sometimes you read a book and it resonates deep, down inside you somewhere. You aren’t really sure why, but it touches your heart and soul in such a way that it seems as if the author wrote what they wrote because of you. That the connection you feel couldn’t possibly be meant for any other reader besides you; that whatever sentence or paragraph that you just read was specifically formulated for you to read, whether the author knew it or not. I read a lot (I don’t own a television and haven’t for years) and it has been awhile since I have read a book that did this to my heart. Then I was given the book Love Does by Bob Goff. I don’t know if it was the timing, or the person that gave it to me, or just the book itself that made it touch me so deeply, but it did.

I think it’s very important in life to surround yourself with people and resources who will keep you in check. Who are not afraid to tell you their opinion about what you’re doing or how you’re living without sugar-coating it or being scared to cause an argument about it. You need to have faith in and respect their wisdom, experience, and their motives. You need people around you that love you so much they will tell you when they think you are fucking up and that they believe that you need to stop. More importantly, you need people in your life who will tell you this but still stand by you while you continue on your own path and don’t follow their advice. That is why a few years back I made some changes in my friend circle; correction, I abolished pretty much 90% of it. I realized that the people who surrounded me didn’t care enough to tell me when I was fucking up, and encouraged it by doing it with me. When they did give me advice about what to do or not to do, it was almost always motivated by their own personal schemes and what benefits they would get from it. So I changed. I dropped more people than I can say without sounding like a cold-hearted person, but sometimes its ok to be selfish and this is one of the areas that I encourage selfishness.

I repeat a quote to myself often and it helps me evaluate the surroundings I’m in and the people I allow to surround me while in them. I think it’s important to stop yourself from falling back into old habits, and this has helped me stay moving forward and out of old ruts that I really have no desire of revisiting. “If you are the smartest person in the room, it is time to move on”. Some people will probably think this is stupid, but I don’t. I think that if you really think about it, it’s actually an amazingly true and accurate life motto to take on. You want to surround yourself with people who are constantly inspiring you to be better, who are teaching you new things about life, and who challenge you. Nobody knows everything. If you are ever in a place where you either think you know everything or you have learned all there is to learn from it, it is time to move on. We should all be constantly improving upon ourselves.

“I once heard somebody say that God had closed a door on an opportunity they had hoped for. But I’ve always wondered if, when we want to do something that we know is right and good, God places that desire deep in our hearts because He wants it for us and it honors Him. Maybe there are times when we think a door has been closed and, instead of misinterpreting the circumstances, God wants us to kick it down. Or perhaps just sit outside of it long enough until somebody tells us we can come in.” -Bob Goff, Love Does

I have had a lot of people who I respect, who I value, who teach me things and inspire me, who have motives that are true, and who are in amazing relationships that I one day hope I can have one similar to, tell me it’s time to move on. That I shouldn’t place any more hope in Nick or us ever seeing each other again.  That I’m a pretty girl and I’ll be fine and it’s all apart of a plan that I don’t understand yet. That continuing to stand outside this closed-door will eventually just make me miss out on other opportunities I really am supposed to take. Then I read this book. That quote. I found myself torn in-between a bunch of things: their advice, my heart, my doubts, my hope, Bob Goff’s advice, God’s subtle hints. Love is a funny thing. So is pride. So are the hints we receive from God, or the universe, or whatever it is you believe. I lived a lot of my life ignoring coincidences and I realized maybe that’s where I went wrong. Maybe they aren’t coincidences, maybe they’re important signs you are supposed to pay attention to. Maybe I was supposed to open this book that was given to me, read this very paragraph, and go with what I feel is what I’m supposed to do: believe that one day, Nick and I will get another chance. I’m not supposed to date or get numbers or sleep with other people. I’m not necessarily waiting around; my life has been filled with new experiences and adventures lately and I can say I’m very happy. I just think that the dating area in my life should be off for a while. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone else anyways because I don’t even have my heart to give to a new person, I never got it back.

The thing that I realized the other day is that I am also supposed to be teaching the people who have decided to include me in their surroundings. I am supposed to be beneficial to their lives as well and it is a 50/50 type of deal. So when I decided to turn down their advice and counsel, I realized that that really is ok. Maybe it’s my turn to teach them a few things about loyalty, faithfulness, determination, and hope. Maybe that’s why I was placed on their path, as a reminder of unconditional love and devotion. I feel like in the world we live in today it’s all about quitting and giving up and getting new things to replace broken things. I want to be an example to them that that isn’t the only way to do it. That maybe, if you try hard enough and have enough faith, it will work out. That if you stay hopeful and understanding, things that you once thought were lost or broken or destroyed can be found, repaired, and rebuilt. I know what most of you are thinking and I’m ok with it. In a world where I hardly agree with anything anybody thinks, I’d rather be looked at as foolish/naive/stuck in the past/pathetic. Maybe Nick and I will never talk again. I can’t make him come back, I can’t make him miss me, and I can’t stop him from dating and meeting someone else. I can only control my own actions and my own hope. I can have faith it will all work out. I can continue to love him and hope he finds whatever it is that makes him happy, and maybe that’ll include me.